As I am home today, getting well so I can go back to work tomorrow, I am thinking about what I want for my life.....

We all want to be and do and accomplish so much. When our bodies have grown tired and we are sick, we fight it, feeling we must get back to our busy lives so we can do more. When we are well, we push ourselves to the limit. We feel we must do something magnificent, amazing and hugely impactful in order to make our time here on Earth count. We set our standards so high that no one - especially ourselves - could ever meet them. It feels as if as a society, we feel we must all change the world, be famous, or be super human in order to make a difference.

My life is busy, yes. From the outside it looks to many as if it's one big party and that I am constantly surrounded by friends. That's not the case. I am busy, and at times, simultaneously lonely and feeling disconnected. I spend more time alone (and alone with my child) than most people will ever realize and in that space, and sometimes in the moments of loneliness I feel, I get clarity about what matters to me. Above and beyond all my aspirations, is the strong and very real desire to be wanted, included, loved and to have consistent, close friends who reach out to me, hold me, connect with me, and to find a partner to share it all with. And, along with my son's health and happiness, is all I really want and need. I don't have all of it yet, and I remind myself daily to ASK the universe for it, and then trust it will come.


So, what I am coming to realize more and more in my life is that having people who love me, having friends, BEING a friend and LIVING with authenticity, love, grace, compassion, integrity, and a commitment to finding joy is all I ever need do and more than enough to make this life mean everything. I know that I leave love in my wake. Anything I do above and beyond that is just icing, and if living in and for LOVE is all I ever do, then wow, what a life I'll have lived....

Simply put, I want LOVE and I want to be LOVE.
There is nothing else.

Yesterday was terrifically sobering.  I felt I was acutely aware of how in a moment, a peaceful life can be flipped upside down, if only briefly. There was literally an onslaught of bad news, upset and anger coming at me from so many directions that I folded in on myself.  Something I haven't felt in years.  This morning I am wrung out and exhausted. 

I share this because even our "worst" days can give us the gift of growth and in looking for that, this is what came to me as I meditated on how to pull out of this dark fog: 

It is all too easy to assume our hurt, anger, or discomfort is the only wound in the world in the moment, and that the person or persons who affected our state of mind, who made a mistake and upset our life in some small manor should be both berated and punished. In our need to be right we forget that everyone is fighting a battle of some kind. In our upset we think that somehow casting blame on another and making them feel the level of our unease will make us feel better. And yet, in laying another person open in order to achieve some kind of rightness and throw the hurt or anger back onto them, we only diminish ourselves. This is a strong lesson for me and perhaps it took having a really hard day to remind me to pay attention to this in myself to be more mindful towards others, and in others by not taking their anger personally.

I spent some time this morning sending nothing but pure love to everyone I encountered yesterday, everyone involved in what felt like a tornado of misunderstanding and hurtful choices.  Including me.  I needed it.

I guess it's about time.  I've been holding this in quite a while, at least to everyone except a few.  Since I was a child, I can remember unusual things happening. I remember hearing voices, feeling the presence of someone around me, or seeing people in a way that felt much deeper and clearer than usual and at times, simply "knowing" things before they happened.

Now, as an adult who has undergone some radical self-realization and a great deal of personal growth work over the past few years, I know what is true for me:  I am highly intuitive and at times, a medium, experiencing encounters with people who have passed, receiving information about people I don't know, seeing auras, hearing messages, feeling the presence of spirit.  I am empathic and often can sense in a person's body or heart, pain they are holding.  And, I have a great deal of loving, healing energy I can give to other people.

A friend asked me recently, "How do you know any of this is real? How do you know you are actually healing anyone, or that the things you see or hear are real or mean anything?" Good and honest questions. My answer is, "I don't know" and I am okay with that. What I am sure of is that when a person comes to me, open and willing to receive love, healing, and whatever else unfolds, they will leave feeling better. As will I.  It's an energy exchange and that energy, when there is loving intention behind it, is powerful.

I have learned to recognize myself as an intuitive and a healer. I have learned to value what I can offer and to be open and willing to serve others and this is a way that feels right for me. I understand I take a risk in putting myself out there in this way. It's new, it's a little scary and I feel vulnerable. Reminds me of each time I walk onto a stage to sing. But, this life is sweet, precious and brief and if I can do anything with these combined gifts to help other people, now is the time.

Having experienced a huge amount of pain, loss and hard lessons in my life, I am clear that I have come to a place of deep compassion, and I am able to hold space for others and their pain, their energy, with gratitude and love.  In that intention, I have become a Reiki II practitioner, as well as studying varieties of sound and vibrational healing so that I can bring all of these together and begin to offer myself to others.

It is with all this that I am launching a practice as a vibrational/energy healer and intuitive.  I have been honing these skills and building to this for years and feel it goes hand and hand with my art, my singing, my public speaking and teaching - all together to shape a balanced life where I can use all my gifts and as I hope, help to create peace and release for others.

And so it is - I hope the word will spread and I look forward to being a positive and healing offering for my clients and friends.  -- Namasté, Kyle

Today I chose - quite willfully - to spend the entire day listening to music, singing along and PAINTING, interrupted only by the occasional need to make a snack for my son and his friend.

I'll admit something that isn't easy. I've been feeling deeply disconnected and rather lonely for weeks now. A sadness has befallen me that I have had trouble shaking. Like a real, true longing for friends around me, for a lover, for connection. I know it's a passing moment, even if it's weeks long or months long. I know things are always changing and transforming but right now - I just have a strong sense of my aloneness.

I noticed is that when I am painting, I don't feel alone.  I feel immersed. I forget that I am not in a relationship. I forget that I am a single mom, or that I feel some days like the weight of the world is right on top of me. I forget all the worries of my job, my responsibilities and really, everyone except me and my canvas. It's a gift. I must remind myself to do it again and again. My paintbrush, song list and the flow of creating is my community -- thankful.

It's amazing that I haven't written in 2 1/2 months. Ah, well. Today, I carved out (and I DO mean carved) time for myself to immerse into painting. It's been an intense (emotionally, professionally and motherhood-ly) few weeks and I am working to find the balance I so badly need. I pulled out my memoir, starting writing again, loving the process of putting words to paper. I am painting as much as I can fit it and it's helping.

Today:
It's been a month full of big, juicy, LIFE. Both of my sisters were here, one after the other, visiting. This is something I have wanted for a very long time. Two parties, outings, art, talking til late at night and now, preparing for Family Camp - our week-long adventure in the Santa Cruz mountains.

Pictures of me and my sisters... Grateful to have them both in my life.

 July 12:
Genuinely excited and grateful just to simply wake up this morning. Such JOY in the gratitude I am feeling now. Wonderful to have a chat with a dear friend, share in the excitement of a big adventure her kid is up to, delighted to know my sister and kids will be here in a little over 8 hours. Loving everyone and everything that's around me, whatever it is. Everything feels like more than enough, including me. Wishing I could share this feeling with everyone - I supposed posting about it is my way for the moment.

July 11:
What a peaceful thought to know that right now I am all I ever need be. Me - and my life are perfect and whole and valuable now. I need do nothing other than breathe. It's truth for each and every one of us. Your gift is your love and presence in this world and with each breathe, each smile, each tiny kindness, you are deeply affecting the vibration of the entire planet.
Pretty cool.

July 10:
Isn't it nice to know that you have everything you need right now, in this moment? Isn't it nice to be able to just be present to the wonder of being alive? Try this: Stop what you are doing and just...intentionally and for no reason at all... SMILE Doesn't it feel GOOD to be able to do that simple little thing? If it feels that good to you, imagine what everyone gets out of your smiling.
It's all a gift.

The weekend was full and rich. My heart was heavy from changing the dynamic of a beautiful relationship, and I chose to process all that I was feeling through painting and taking good care of both myself and my home. I spent Saturday at a painting retreat with Rassouli and community and it was GOOD. I noticed that for the first couple of hours I was distracted and not able to flow, then a particular piece of music came on and it all shifted. I was able to really dive into my painting and feel it, get lost in it. Very cathartic.

I was so inspired that I spent the following day, Sunday, cleaning out my studio and setting it up so that I can, at a moment's notice, just walk out, grab my brush and paint. I am going to do that now.....

I have spent countless hours of my life thinking, "What is my purpose? What am I here for? What is the big, amazing thing I can do and give to the world that will give my life real meaning and positively affect the lives of others?" Many of us spend our lives waiting to find our "purpose," or waiting to start really living our lives until we figure it out.

Small adjustments, little shifts, moments of heart-opening, sunrise walks, meditation, listening to our powerful, intuitive inner voice, stillness, laughter, singing, dancing, loving and listening. Here's to understanding that whatever we are doing right now -- whoever we are with, whatever we are giving our energy to -- IS OUR LIFE'S PURPOSE. It need not be bigger or smaller than that. This right here and right now is what it's all about. :)


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I was alone. I knew it was coming and yet it felt that suddenly I was just here, in my house, at 7pm with nothing planned. My son was away with his dad, and my work day was over. I had this big, open, empty Friday night in front of me and I felt a drive to fill it up with something - a party, friends, dancing, singing, getting out there and doing something BIG. In the end I realized what I really wanted was hot yoga and sleep.

It was a perfect night and therein is my lesson: I need not make anything big out of anything. I can find true peace and contentment in little things and I can trust that they are enough. My purpose is to be ME and to be present to whatever I am doing, whoever is in front of me. My purpose is Right Now.


:)

Today I woke up feeling grateful. I do that a lot, but today in particular I was beautifully aware that all is well in my life at the moment and I have nothing to want for, really. I am healthy, I have a good job, I am strong, aware and safe. I just spent an awesome night of chess, sushi and a movie with the most amazing boy I know, and today, I work, then pack to get away to a spa for the weekend with one of my best friends. What more could I want?

I have been painting like mad... it's all I can think of most days lately. It's like a dam has burst and I want to just create - create - create. :)

Had an amazing weekend. Really a dream. Friday night was kirtan at Rising Lotus yoga with Daniel Stewart and friends - incredible. Saturday all day painting retreat (the 3 paintings I did below) then Saturday night an art opening and dinner, Sunday choir and watching a Second City performance with my son, now, quiet, stillness for the afternoon and tonight - a movie with the kiddo and our pup... just PERFECT!

Transference

Water Play

Orbital Sunset

OK, let's steer this ship back towards creativity, spirituality and awareness. I am going to be doing an all day (10am - 5pm) painting retreat this Saturday and I could not be more excited. I need it. Want it. To unplug, de-stress, dive into my creative brain and just swim for a while. It'll do me good.

I feel as though I have been in "survival mode" for the past few weeks, and haven't been able to fully embrace my own heart and spirit. The details of each day, decisions to make, money and work matters have taken up my energy and I feel the disconnect. I want to be a light for others and right now, my own light must be re-lit. And so it is. I will be back.

Releasing & Forgiving

I looked back and realized how many posts were about food, juicing, health. I am pleased to say I have released some of the harsh demands I was placing on myself and decided to "go with the flow" of my own body and mind. I have still been committed to juicing every day and after a time, have now found a way to get exercise into my day with ease and find more balance. Letting myself off the hook and lightening up a bit around the super high expectations I place on myself has been a gift. I devote March to more self-awareness and to looking further within. That is where my answers are, where I find my home and true peace.