Wednesday, December 11, 2013

As I am home today, getting well so I can go back to work tomorrow, I am thinking about what I want for my life.....

We all want to be and do and accomplish so much. When our bodies have grown tired and we are sick, we fight it, feeling we must get back to our busy lives so we can do more. When we are well, we push ourselves to the limit. We feel we must do something magnificent, amazing and hugely impactful in order to make our time here on Earth count. We set our standards so high that no one - especially ourselves - could ever meet them. It feels as if as a society, we feel we must all change the world, be famous, or be super human in order to make a difference.

My life is busy, yes. From the outside it looks to many as if it's one big party and that I am constantly surrounded by friends. That's not the case. I am busy, and at times, simultaneously lonely and feeling disconnected. I spend more time alone (and alone with my child) than most people will ever realize and in that space, and sometimes in the moments of loneliness I feel, I get clarity about what matters to me. Above and beyond all my aspirations, is the strong and very real desire to be wanted, included, loved and to have consistent, close friends who reach out to me, hold me, connect with me, and to find a partner to share it all with. And, along with my son's health and happiness, is all I really want and need. I don't have all of it yet, and I remind myself daily to ASK the universe for it, and then trust it will come.

So, what I am coming to realize more and more in my life is that having people who love me, having friends, BEING a friend and LIVING with authenticity, love, grace, compassion, integrity, and a commitment to finding joy is all I ever need do and more than enough to make this life mean everything. I know that I leave love in my wake. Anything I do above and beyond that is just icing, and if living in and for LOVE is all I ever do, then wow, what a life I'll have lived....

Simply put, I want LOVE and I want to be LOVE.
There is nothing else.