Sunday, September 29, 2013

Today I chose - quite willfully - to spend the entire day listening to music, singing along and PAINTING, interrupted only by the occasional need to make a snack for my son and his friend.

I'll admit something that isn't easy. I've been feeling deeply disconnected and rather lonely for weeks now. A sadness has befallen me that I have had trouble shaking. Like a real, true longing for friends around me, for a lover, for connection. I know it's a passing moment, even if it's weeks long or months long. I know things are always changing and transforming but right now - I just have a strong sense of my aloneness.

I noticed is that when I am painting, I don't feel alone.  I feel immersed. I forget that I am not in a relationship. I forget that I am a single mom, or that I feel some days like the weight of the world is right on top of me. I forget all the worries of my job, my responsibilities and really, everyone except me and my canvas. It's a gift. I must remind myself to do it again and again. My paintbrush, song list and the flow of creating is my community -- thankful.

It's amazing that I haven't written in 2 1/2 months. Ah, well. Today, I carved out (and I DO mean carved) time for myself to immerse into painting. It's been an intense (emotionally, professionally and motherhood-ly) few weeks and I am working to find the balance I so badly need. I pulled out my memoir, starting writing again, loving the process of putting words to paper. I am painting as much as I can fit it and it's helping.